Transcript of President Clinton's statement

Good evening.

Translation: Hey suckers! Welcome to my parlor said the spider to the fly!!

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

Translation: To my disgust and dismay, I am subjected to the laws of this land as enforced by this evil Ken Starr and his shameful abuse of the law to hold me to this law before a grand jury!

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.

Translation: I showed my backside with all the disgust I hold for you peons and I utilized my high skill of the English language and twisted the truth for my benefit and you dirtbags can't do anything about it. I am above the law even if it means my own actions have forced you to ask whether or not I commit adultery and carry on a sexual life of alleycats. So what if the majority of Americans are above my scruples and morals! Here's a raspberry for you!!

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.

Translation: This evil Ken Starr has been forced by the evidence to ask me these questions, so I must lie once again and reveal my contempt for the American intelligence with this lie of responsibility! Everyone knows that I don't care about responsibility, and those kinds of people, who are around me giving me this attack-mode advice in this speech, were placed here because they will bail me out no matter what I do. But since the law has me, I'll lie and tell you that I am taking this responsibility because we know as a group how stupid the public is!

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

Translation: When I was forced to deal with the legalities that my life has shown a disdain and rejection over by a deposition in January, I was forced to answer questions about my Monica! My answers were mere words wrangling and twisted sentences that I spun so I can get out of this deal today before this evil Ken Starr's investigation. I withheld and suppressed the truth knowingly, but who cares, you can't get me on it!

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

Translation: I have carried on a reckless behavior all my life having sex with anything that wears a skirt, and when it presents a problem, well I'll deal with it then and there, but to the stupid Americans who will swallow my gobbly goop I'll use my legal lingo and call it not appropriate. I'll call it wrong so the stupid ones can listen to my spin artists toss the puppy doo doo! Now this problem that I created with my reckless behavior and what I forced because I have lied and lied and lied I will spin into a critical lapse of judgment! The Americans are stupid and will swallow it! I'll wrap this spin in one final detail that it sure to touch the hearts of the stupid ones, I'll claim responsibility so the cast I have can spin it while I run away for some quiet time with my family and a couple of other interns!

But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

Translation: I'll lie to you as I lied to the Grand Jury because I know the spin from this event will reveal my spell on the stupid American public, besides I challenge that evil Ken Starr to dare to prove otherwise. I'll have his head and prove the Republicans were wrong! So what if I have committed felonies and part of them was the obstruction of justice. So what!! I am an irresponsible kid in a man's body and who cares about my actions, those stupid Americans will believe whatever I say and whatever twist I spin!

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.

Translation: I am so sorry that you morons fell for my deliberate spin and twist of truth, but what are you going to do about it? I am caught so I'll toss this spin at the public, I'll even tell you that I misled people, but you idiots know that I did that on purpose because I am the president, I am Bill Clinton, I do what I want! Now for the clincher as drafted and spun by my wife, I'll include my wife in this spin and I'll lie once again and tell you that I regret being caught. You fools won't know the truth and believe what I tell you. As a matter of fact, I'll make you fools believe that regret means an apology, but in the Grand Jury I'll still maintain my spin and you can't do anything! After all I did not admit I lied nor did I contradict my testimony, but if the evil Starr goes after me, I'll make the dumb Americans do my will and hate this evil one!

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

Translation: You idiot Amercians, swallow this lie! I must be above the law and be able to do what I want because I am Bill Clinton! I am in this for myself and who cares about you common peons.

I was also very concerned about protecting my family. The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.

Translation: Now I want this lie to be supported by my love for my family! Our evil society had the nerve to have Paula Jones and her lawsuit against me! She was a political hatchet person who used to work for me, a Democrat! Yep, those stupid Americans will swallow this political stuff because I said it. Who cares about this Jones deal! That's the Supreme Court's fault! Those evil conservatives on the Court did this to me. I know the fools in the USA will believe it. But no matter, the law won't get me because I'm above the law!

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago; dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.

Translation: I hate the law and that evil Ken Starr because they are making me responsible for my actions, my behavior, my life, my morality, even my corrupt business practices. I have hindered and destroyed all ties to the evidence that would have put me away, but that won't be revealed if I can hold this back from being presented to Congress in that evil report!

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.

Translation: I have been so reckless and my disdain for responsibility has led me to spin the evils of the law and the independent counsel. I will cause the evil public to accept my lies and political attacks on the law and the independent counsel and use my own contrived investigation on Starr to be carried out so I can deflect the truth.

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.

Translation: The law is absurd! They are about to put a noose around my neck so I demand the dumb Americans to listen to me and stop the evil Ken Starr! I'm above the law and I have declared myself innocent because I say it, so listen to what I say.

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most-- my wife and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.

Translation: I will lie again with this spin so that my insincerity won't be seen by the stupid public. Whatever laws need to be broken will be broken to lie and support my lies! I have talked to my god, my father, the father of lies, Satan!

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.

Translation: You idiots! You stupid Americans! How dare you think that I must submit myself to the law and any legal recourse that the law brings against me because I break the law and always do what I want. I am Bill Clinton, so stay out of my life!

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life.

Translation: Liars, liars, liars! Those investigators are all liars! The Grand Jury is doing an evil that is so low, so despicable, so incredibly malevolent all because I made all those lies that have kept the USA in the world's opinion and rightful disdain and shame for the Amercian presidency!

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.

Translation: Okay, forget this stuff now or I'll do something to shut the evil up. I'll arrange for an accident to happen to whomever it needs to happen whether physically or verbally and that's all I can do!

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on.

Translation: Stop the investigation because I have convinced the dumb Americans to accept my life!

We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.

Translation: Us Democrats have the answers and I am a great president who has lost respectability in the world, so I must be about my business. By the way, where's my next intern?

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.

Translation: Stop holding me responsible! So what if I am a felon, that should not hinder you or your ability to accept my spin and let me walk away from the law. I can do what I want!

Thank you for watching. And good night.

Translation: You must do what I tell you! That's how you'll have a good night!